Being Bamboozled

As a rule I don’t blog when I am feeling mad or sad – it can lead to regrettable and non-rescindable things. Thus this post is overdue and slightly late. Last Wednesday my co-teacher and I delivered the first Soft Skills Seminar – it did not go well. These seminars are designed to give students the skills to be effective public speakers, write a resume, perform well on a job interview, etc.

When I arrived in Dong Thap CC I was told that these would be led by Vietnamese teachers who were trained in these things and I would help if it was applicable, also 30ish people would sign up for all the sessions – none of that came to fruition.

Instead I spent an entire day putting together a presentation (which I don’t mind) and putting together an activity and handout. I met with the director of foreign languages and my co-teacher who were just as tired and spent as I and we reviewed what I had done. As I was showing them my work my director looked increasingly disquieted. By the time I was done he looked like somebody made him watch Old Yeller, never told him that Old Yeller would be shot, let him fall in love with the dog and BAHM! Dead puppy. We all worked to rip it apart and make it applicable for the seminar in the next 3 hours. Also it turned out that the DTCC students would be the audience most of whom have very basic English skills (for some how old are you? And how are you? triggers the “deer in headlights” look of bewilderment).

That evening I got to the seminar and I found over 100 students staring back at me! Holy Moses! The Director of Foreign Languages looked equally astounded. I scraped the activity (it was designed for 45 max after all I thought I would have 30 students so a 50% overflow seemed generous) and just delivered the lecture. Co Dung did her darnedest to translate but most of it was lost. Trying to explain posture and topic choice and voice variation (modulation) was just impossible. We fought through it and let the students out early.

What was so frustrating was being so clearly uninformed that my co-teacher and myself were rendered completely ineffective. It wasn’t like a few extra kids showed up, there were more then three times as many. We were literally fed to the lions – except that these lions didn’t understand the gibberish coming out of my trap. I left feeling more fatigued and demoralized then I ever have.

The next morning my Vietnamese lesson with the Foreign Language Director became a very frank debrief about what happened the night before and my expectations going forward. He was on my side and agreed with my complaints and suggestions to fix it – we will see what changes are implemented next month.

Like my second-to-last post (Officer Grumpypants) the weekend provided a bit of humor. I went and got my hair cut – it reached the point where my mother once called me a ragamuffin via Skype. Oddly enough she still has the same sway thousands of miles away and disembodied by a computer. What is it about mothers?

Anyway, in Vietnam men go to barbers and women go somewhere else. So I went to the barber with my trusty host Mr. Hung who made good use of his Vietnamese. I was plunked down into an old-fashioned barber chair and the barber, who looked like he was 12 (Vietnamese have ridiculous aging genes) and was shoulder height went to work. The entire time all I can think is that I must be the strangest sight. He started with spritzing and misting my head and then started cutting and trimming. After he finished I stood to leave – nope not quite. He plopped me back down in the seat and took my glasses off again and disappeared and returned with a straight edge single razor. He then cleaned up my neck and sideburns then reclined the chair. Now I knew I was in for the whole shebang. He lathered up my face and gave me a shave. I know it’s supposed to be an enjoyable experience – but I have never been to a barber or used a single straight edge so the only thoughts running through my head were various headlines like “Vietnamese barber hiccups and Fulbrighter lost” or “Trip to Barber Goes Awry”. For some reason all my thoughts contained images of Sweeny Todd and grizzly deaths. This man was very nice and just going about his day, but I was off in horror land. I’ll just blame it on the heat coupled with dehydration.

To finish the hour-long appointment he strapped a device on his hand and it was a massager of sorts. He started on one shoulder went down one arm and worked back up and went down the other arm and then did the torso and legs. At this point the transition from Rocky Horror Show to massage was just too much and it took all my power to contain my laughter – but it was touch and go a couple of times. Then he sat me straight up and put the massager all over my head. I looked like a bobble-head from what blurry amorphous jiggling mass I could make out in the mirror. and it pushed me over the edge. Being completely aware that NOBODY knew my internal dialog and the accompanying picture reel - thus my next actions would make no sense to the curious stares around me. I lost it and weeping with barely suppressed mirth I slumped down in my seat, shoulders shaking and just busted a rib. It was the most fun I have ever had for a buck and I did feel rather clean-shaven after the whole ordeal.

Next week I think I will post some of the funny things I have heard since I have been here. The foibles and follies of English!

That Classic American Game - Bobbing for Guava

It was Halloween last week! Well, not really but I held my English Speaking Club (ESC) on Halloween last week - so it arrived a bit early in Vietnam. Halloween is not a holiday here - so it's incredibly fascinating to the Vietnamese, especially the activities, costumes, songs and the like. The question that confronted me was how do I explain a holiday that I have not partaken in nearly two decades? I stopped dressing up well before most of my other classmates and found the entire holiday to be somewhat asinine and frivolous. Plus I was an athlete so getting a bag full of candy was pointless.

Luckily my co-teacher Co Dung knew what types of questions the students would have and what things they would be interested in. We started with a Jack-o-Lantern drawing contest, did some vocab and Halloween hot seat, the scary storytelling followed by Bobbing for Apples. But they don't have apples in Vietnam; actually they have tiny Vietnamese apples or big apples from China that people won't eat because they are from China. So Co Dung and I were in a pickle - we had to find a fruit that floated, that was large enough to be difficult and a fruit that wasn't too expensive. Thus the Guava was chosen!

The ESC was so much fun. The first ESC we ran in September was daunting. We expected 30 - 50 students to show up but 100 did. Yikes! So Co Dung and I spent the entire evening trying to manage them and get them involved - as you can imagine it wasn't entirely successful. So this week we walked in with an impending sense of doom. But only 30ish kids came - and they were so into English and the things we planned that it was awesome and so far it was the most fun I have had in front of a lecture hall. Next month is Thanksgiving... how can I explain Tom the Turkey????

Students enjoying the Jack-o-Lantern drawing contest.

We had a number of excellent drawings - seriously really good. I was expecting an outline of a pumpkin. I was proved wrong.

Scary right? Me teaching!

The results of the contest - Co Dung and I had to work really hard to pick the winners.

Let the bobbing begin. To make the kids more comfortable I bobbed for the first time in nearly twenty years. I came up with a mouthful of water and some guava - I bit too hard!

This guy was ridiculous. He got 1 guava, 4 plums and 1 persimmon in 60 seconds. Needless to say he won.

Last week there was a conjunctivitis epidemic going around Cao Lanh. An astute person might ask how a person with the Vietnamese language skills of a toddler (i.e. me) knows this. Did he read it in the paper? Did somebody translate it for him? Did he overhear it in another conversation? These are all pragmatic and cogent questions - the answer is no to all of them. So then how does yours truly know that there was a conjunctivitis epidemic last week - yours truly got first hand experience! I woke up Wednesday and my right eye wasn't feeling right - it felt heavy. I assumed it was tired and went on my day. That morning teaching it kept feeling irritated - I assumed it was from the chalk dust. I got home from class and looked in the mirror and it had a laundry-pink tinge and the pupil was dilated.

My only thought was "Oh S**T". I made a promise to myself not to end up in the Vietnamese healthcare system. A direct strike by a motorbike couldn't do it but conjunctivitis did. I immediately called my host (AKA Guardian Angel, AKA Mr. Hung) and said "Mr. Hung I have a question...". I start most of my calls with him this way and I think he's learning to dread the phrase. I asked if he knew of any good optometrist and that I needed to go immediately. He picked me up and we went to one near the college. The entire ride over I was thinking how could I mime my symptoms? Or employ Pictionary in the exam room? Turns out miming and picture drawing were unnecessary - he spoke English! I used Mr. Hung's Vietnamese skills once! Long story short I am fine and just used drops and pills for the next couple days. If it weren't for Mr. Hung I would be completely lost. He is so patient and levelheaded that I can freak out and he smooths things over - he's the ying and the yang - I'm just the pretty face.

Another positive note from last week and this week. In class my students are asking for me when they have a question or need help! Yes - to continue the popular misquoting of one Ms. Sally Fields "they like me they really like me". I'm not sure they like me yet, but they are growing more comfortable with me and confident in their own language skills to ask the foreigner. There are many ways to measure a mile - if I have to measure it millimeter by millimeter I will.

One final and unrelated note. A few days ago a Philadelphia University student passed away in an automobile accident that occurred near the Philadelphia University campus. I didn't know the student but as an alumni of Philadelphia University I will forever be a member of the PhilaU community and family. In times of unjust tragedies like this, communities come together to support and console each other - and PhilaU is no different. It pains me to hear of and see this event befall a community I love, am indebted to and identify with. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of the student who have suffered an unspeakable loss and with the faculty, staff, students and wider community left to grapple in this sudden loss.

To every parent who has children that are safe - tell them you love them. To every child - call your parents and tell them you love them. Tell your friends you care and don't let things go unsaid. The time we are given on this planet from cradle to grave is inexplicably short and to see it end prematurely makes it that much more poignant and precious. Just take a moment to say, "I love you" or "thank you" - all the things that go unspoken in the chaos, tumult and monotone regularity of daily humdrum life. This week my heart is with Philadelphia University and a bereaved community coming together in grief and shock.

Officer Grumpypants

Last week I gave an exam in my Conversational English classes and it went something like this:

OK class let's get started with our exam for Unit 1. We will pass out the exams and start with the listening section on the first page.

Now does everybody have an exam? Good. Let's get started. Quiet please.

Whisper, whisper, whisper, psst, psst

No talking, look at your own paper.

Whisper, whisper, psst, psst

I said no talking...followed by menacing glances at loose-lipped offenders daring them to open thier mouths.

Student A (I won't name names) why do you have your notes out?

You never said we couldn't use notes - just no talking!

Oy vey! I am hereby rescinding my application to the police academy and crossing Law Enforcement off my list of potential careers. The talking is one thing, but the blatant cheating (I mean they didn't even try to hide it) was another. As a student I hated cheating...I worked my butt off to juggle school, work and research and I respected my teachers and the institution too much to sully it or my own reputation. The ethos in my skating days was that you "could only skate what you brought" - if you weren't ready or ill prepared then it sucks to be you so try your best and don't debase yourself by cheating or bluffing. As a student the same rule applied, and I made sure I was all over it and on top of it. I often turned in students I saw cheating, if they were dumb enough to cheat then in my opinion they were also foolish enough to reap what they sowed. Thus when I caught my students cheating I tried to say levelheaded and not over-react. So I calmly confiscated the material and allowed the test to proceed. I don't want to be a stereotype, but busting out the angry akimbo American was my only shot at establishing decorum. That night however I sent a few professors and teachers an email entitled "Professional Advice - I Feel Like the Titanic" - not my best week. My co-teacher and I gave the exam because we knew most of the students weren't studying and we were right. Hopefully these grades will motivate them to work harder.

Luckily the weekend provided some levity. I went on a picnic with some members of the college. We drove about 2.5 hours outside Cao Lanh to a large paddy/pond and then climbed/slid down to a boat, which took us across the water to a house, which hosted a lunch for us. The entire time we were in the boat I kept seeing the scene in the Sound of Music where the kids stand-up in the boat and it tips over in all the excitement. Replace the Alps with jungle and the 7 children with 8 grown men and 2 cases of beer plus one American who is scared s**tless and you're there. We were inches from the water and everytime somebody breathed the boat's center of gravity shifted. I just held by breath. Nobody else was nervous they were talking on their phone calls, making jokes (probably about the American who is turning crimson and blue) and just having a gay old time. I was so relived to be on land - you have no idea!

The Sound of Music boat

Across this paddy lunch awaited. In this case both the journey and the destination were equally interesting.

Here's the abnormally tall American trying to get in...and all the Vietnamese are praying

Sitting down now - only slightly less nervous.

Here we are on the way back to the car. That smile is equal parts joy and fear - after all we're not at land yet.

Some ducks near the house.

Some flowers in the garden.

I'm not eco-phobic just a distant eco-friend. I am glad that nature is there, I just don't like to immerse myself in it (Dr. Ashely, my research advisor has personal experience with this). I will admit that there is a soft spot in this urbanite's heart for Lake Placid, NY - especially if my view of it is from a lodge with a roaring fire, cozy blanket, hot coca and a good book! For me nature is something to be enjoyed with creature comforts... Nature 2.0! 

The meal was wonderful and the people were very friendly. The incredible luxury and responsibility of  a Fulbright is that you become embedded in a community and unlike a tourist you get to visit real people and see how they live in an unadulterated,  unmodified and organic way. It's a window into their world and I am privileged to be allowed to peek through it.

I must run. I have class in the morning and English Speaking Club tonight - Halloween edition!

Now that the ESC Halloween is concluded and I have had a good night's rest there are two more things I wanted to briefly mention. The first is how this little day trip has made me appreciate Cao Lanh that much more. This excursion was into the country - the sticks really. It is a real dichotomy - the landscape, colors and people are gorgeous and yet the infrastructural development is still a work in progress. Visiting this home and seeing how remote and removed from the world these people spend their daily lives made me realize for the first time that by Vietnamese standards I am still an urbanite - even in Cao Lanh City which would be a small town by US standards. My hosts for the afternoon lived with their entire family and they slept on tables - no mattresses, no AC and limited Internet. I am very lucky - not only to be placed here at Dong Thap Community College which has clear channels of communication, good facilities, and the most wonderful staff, board of rectors and my host and co-teacher who have become my surrogate big brother and sister (I swear to God these two people are just angels - my co-teaching and guardian angels). But also to be in a large city with a supermarket, parks, bakeries, restaurants, cafes, banks, shops and to be within walking distance of all of it - the walk is completely safe at night as well and is well lit. When I got back I was tired for sure - but before I laid my head on my pillow that night I counted by blessings both here and an ocean away. My family, friends, possessions, education, freedom, sound body, capable mind, and all the love in my life are just some.

My trip to the sticks also served as something of a public service announcement. On the way home I watched a Vietnamese man be arrested. I don't know what he did - but the police were wailing on him -  no joke I was watching a re-enactment of Rodney King. A crowd formed (the typical Vietnamese reaction to public displays of losing face) to watch this arrest being made and eventually it dispersed. It jolted me back to the political reality that is Vietnam - Communist Vietnam that is. The police are not to be questioned or trifled with or questioned in any way on any matter and don't ever end up on the wrong side of the law. Alrightly then, I think that's it for this post. This weekend I will post about the Halloween ESC and bobbing for fruit - Vietnam style!

Have a good day readers.

A Shout Out for a Shout Out

Last week, on October 2^nd I made the following post to my Facebook status:

“I think I may be slipping into Stage 2 of Culture Shock...I am feeling the ground shift under my feet”.

Now that I have room I would like to clarify that statement. First the conditions under which that was written. Nearly two weeks of intense storms that kept knocking out the power and water. It’s not an issue initially but after losing the ability to flush one’s toilet or power the computer, turn on lights, etc. are sporadically wiped out…you begin to lose your cool.

At orientation we were told about the 5 stages of culture shock: 1) the honeymoon phase, 2) negotiation phase, 3) adjustment phase, 4) mastery phase and 5) re-entry shock. I was definitely livin’ the honeymoon phase during the month long orientation in Hanoi and upon my first two weeks here in Cao Lanh I was pretty upbeat. Sure, I had my moments: killing huge spiders, being hit by a motorbike, eating pig stomach - but they were just that – moments. Moments that I could laugh at or learn from and were merely a blemish on an otherwise good day. Usually I could explain these events away or chalk them up as occupational hazards from being immersed in a new culture. I made an effort to counter any negative reaction or impulse with a positive lesson to learn and wrapped it up in an effort to dive into my new culture and environment.

Well the two weeks of rain, storms and sketchy infrastructure along with a 5 week long nearly complete disconnect from everything western (especially the food) broke this camel's back. It wasn’t a nosedive into stage 2 but I stopped searching for the funny, stopped trying to learn a lesson and looking for the silver lining and acknowledged the cloud of gray. All those negative impulses and reactions are legitimate and deserve equal treatment…not my best attempts to explain them away. This journey is incredible but that doesn’t mean that every minute will be sunny and after a month of shoving things under the rug to paint a pretty picture my rug could supress no more.

I will admit that I very foolishly thought I might skip stage 2 (I can hear the heavens laughing right now). In Australia I had homesickness but I got over it quickly because Melbourne was my playground. Melbourne is nothing like Cao Lanh and Vietnam is nothing like Australia. That’s good and makes both places special. What I have recognized is that I can’t disguise my honest reactions good or bad and to try will enable them to come back and bite me in the tuchus. Vietnam will be all 5 stages of culture shock – there’s no skipping of phases, it is an all or nothing package deal. What remains to be seen is what form stage 2 will take. Like a Rochester winter it might be brutal or merciful and there’s no telling before you’re in the throes of it.

What I do know is that when I am down I have my family (blood, Fulbright and PhilaU) who are all an email or skype date away. I also have my earlier blog entries to clutch to those fond and fun memories, which I am sorry to say, feel miles and miles away from my current reality. What did get me through last week was the 20^th Anniversary Fulbright Gala in Hanoi! God did I pick a good year to do a Fulbright in Vietnam.

First of all I got to see 13 of the 14 other ETAs and we all stayed in the Rising Dragon Hotel with the best staff in the world, most of who are our friends. There was jumping up and down, hugging, tears, screams and running into traffic to grab ahold of each other. After all we had to make sure it was really happening!

I flew in Thursday afternoon and met up with 9 of the other ETAs and we hit up one of our favorite pizza bars near the Opera House. Cheese, wine, tomatoes, crust, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, sundried capers, cheese, cheese and more cheese – I was in heaven. We practically closed the place and just kept talking and talking. It was food and family time for the soul and just what my stage 1/stage 2 transition needed to get firmly grounded again.

On Friday we attended the Gala. First we got all gussied up and we looked damn fine if I do say so myself. Out in the provinces we don’t need these clothes so it was nice to dust them off (or buy them after a long serch - I'm oversized...that was a fun day!) and look the part. The Gala itself was huge and superbly done, as one would expect of a US Embassy. There were current Fulbrighters (i.e. us), Embassy staff including the American ambassador and the Deputy Chief of Mission ( the number 2 in charge), the staff of Fulbright in Vietnam, Vietnamese scholars who attended Fulbright in America and leaders of the major businesses in Hanoi. The food was ridiculous and the whole evening was spectacular. 

For my Mom. She requested more photos with me in them.

From Left to Right: Lindsay, Koua, Trevor, Chi Diu (ETA Program Assistant), Amanda, Kate looking surprised, Quan, Ambassador David Shear, Jefferson, Anna, Jessica, Vanlam, Amelia, Michelle, Claire, Andrew (he did our TEFL Training), Chi Nga (Director of Fulbright), Me and somebody else :)

Me with some of the sparkling ladies: Amelia, Vanlam and Koua.

Me and Koua with the huge backdrop.

Me and Michelle. 

The next day there was a football (soccer for my American readers) match between Team Fulbright and an exchange program of science students. Fulbright in Vietnam focuses on liberal arts and social sciences so Vietnamese Fulbrighters can’t attend US universities for master degrees in science, hence this other program. We had 2 ETA players and 7 of us dragged our tired and disheveled butts of bed to cheer. The cheering was a little weak (in our defense it was early) and at some point in the game it transitioned into cheering with some jeering. The game ended up tied but it was fun to support the program.

There's the cheering/jeering section. It was early, we were tired and we had no coffee so the lack of fervor was understandable. Top Row L to R: Me, Koua, Vanlam, Quan. Bottom Row L to R: Michelle, Amelia, Anna.

Following the game we went to Chi Dui’s house. Chi Dui is the assistant to the ETA program and she is our omnipotent mother hen in Hanoi. We all love her and are simply amazed by the power she can wield. You have an issue you call Chi Dui and Chi Nga (Fulbright Program Director) and you just sit back and watch the power of Fulbright come down from the mountain top and, pardon my French, s**t gets done. I am yet to use the power, my college is so organized and experts at this that I doubt I will. But other ETAs have and its comforting to know that it's there if I ever need it.

The Fulbright Family (I am going to start calling it F² ). Chi Diu's son Bi was also there. Look at all the food - it was a cornucopia of Vietnam's best!

Now back to lunch! Chi Diu and her neighbors cooked their butts off – just see the above picture! Of course it was amazing!

To finish up my time in Hanoi I went to nirvana – AKA Mediterranio Restaurant next to St. Joseph’s Cathedral in Hanoi’s Old Quarter. For $24 US dollars here’s what I ate:

Appetizer: Prosciutto Crostini with Melon and melted buffalo mozzarella.

Dinner: House Risotto. That night it was an Andouille sausage risotto with a Sauvignon Blanc crème sauce topped with shards of Parmesan. This was washed down with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

Dessert: House Gelato. Are you ready for this? No, seriously? Amaretto Gelato…OMG! Total foodgasm. I’m not kidding I have never had anything like this; it was out of this world. This was paired with a shot of really cold limoncello. 

And, since it bears repating, all for $24 USD! This meal would have cost a small fortune in the US. I ate like a king and felt like one too. On my way home I picked up a latte at JOMA (another oasis in the heat and noise of Hanoi) and roamed the streets of the Old Quarter with this dopey smile splayed from cheek to cheek. Later that evening I found out that I received another medical school interview request! Yippee! When I go back to Hanoi for Thanksgiving I will be making another pilgrimage to Mediterranio. If it isn’t already obvious food is the way to this man’s heart. This is also what was causing part of my separation anxiety and pushing me towards stage 2 of culture shock. At home I could make this stuff or at least have access to it…not in Cao Lanh and at times I feel like the foodie part of me is missing. 

One more thing. In the flurry of things I had to do this week since I was out last weekend – you know the expression, karma is a             (it rhymes with itch) – I got a wonderful note that made my day. The President of Philadelphia University, President Joseph Spinelli wrote his weekly university blog post ("Tales from Vietnam", October 8, 2012) about my blog the link is here. Since he put a link in his blog to my blog I am reciprocating, sharing is caring. The role PhilaU and the professors at that institution played in my life and carrer are inextricably linked to my current job description. I love getting these notes from my readers telling me that they are enjoying the blog and learning something along the way. It maintains my motivation!

That nagging thing called Karma is calling and I have to get back to the grind. I will blog is weekend about my first week of giving exams…so much fun!

Have a good week readers!

P.S. Happy Birthday Mom!!!!!!!!

Another funny sign. This one's not mistranslated just hysterical. In case of ire. I always thought a sunny disposition was the cure for ire. Apparently you can just hose your ire off. Who knew?