Come Again?! The Verbally Insane

It became very evident to me last week that my last blog post and the one prior to that was something of a downer, so this week I will try to brighten up this space with just a little humor.

English is hard. As a language it has so many exceptions to every rule that there are hardly any rules. On top of that there are spelling differences and in some cases entirely different meanings for words in BrE (British English) and AmE (American English). For good measure toss in colloquial complexities, accents and the many varieties of English (i.e. formal English, academic English, spoken English) wrapped up with a healthy shot of pop culture slang and internet verbiage and you have the wonderful quagmire of a language that I am tasked to teach. Luckily all the foibles of English are excellent fodder for some delicious and sidesplitting moments. Here is just a smattering of some of the confused and nonsense sentences I have encountered.

“Thanks for the massage.” (Real meaning = “Thanks for  the message.”)

“Me and my friend want to do you.” To which I said “Oh dear!” (Real meaning after further discussion = “Me and my friend want to do something with you.”) All that confusion and blushed cheeks over two words.

“Are you died?” (Meaning “Are you on a diet?”) – This came upon refusing a rather sizeable quantity of beer.

(Pointing at a young girl) “This is my dog.” (Meaning “this is my daughter”). I know the feminists are just raging right now.

“You are a lunch today?” (Meaning “You had lunch today?”)

“I will drink you.” – to which I just had many witty unchristian responses that I kept dutifully suppressed with an ambassador-like decorum. (Meaning “I will telephone you to go out for drinks).

“I learned English very poorly.” (Meaning “My English is bad.”)

“You fat much.” (Meaning “How many kilos do you weigh?”)

“You are remember?” (Meaning “Do you remember me?”)

“Do you hot head?” (Meaning “Do you have a fever?”)

“Do I wrong?” (Meaning “Am I wrong?”)

(Using a poor online Vietnamese-English translator) “Did you run around naked yesterday?” (Meaning “Did you stay at your hotel yesterday?”) – I openly laughed at this as it caught me off guard and it took a few seconds to regain my composure.

“You are a chicken.” (Meaning “Do you eat chicken?”)

“I prefer to study English, what she has helped not you agree? I thank her.” (Meaning “I prefer studying English with her. She is helping us. Do you agree?”) – credit for the gusto to tackle such a complicated thought – but it was lost a bit in translation.

“I don’t English.” (Meaning “I don’t speak English very well.”)

“I want to be a count.” – To which in a moment of witty verbal diarrhea I said, “Honey, you’ll need a time machine and a countess.” – it fell flat. (They were trying to say, “I want to become an accountant.”)

“I want to kill her.” – The joys of love! He meant to say, “I want to kiss her.” Two tiny letters define the line between lust and premeditated murder. What’s the expression “Love and hate are horns on the same goat”. After all the opposite of love is not hate it’s indifference.

“Sit on me.” – I said no to that. They meant to say, “sit with me.”

“It’s getting winterier.” I had to have them repeat this a few times because I couldn’t understand the last word – turns out it’s not a word! They meant to say, “it’s gonna be winter soon.”

“Dance on me.” (Meaning “Dance with me.”). Just like the suggested awkward sitting what’s up with the confusion between on and with. It really makes a difference.

“Eyes her good.” (Meaning “Her eyes are beautiful.”)

“Late me.” (Meaning “I will be late”.)

“She is an apology” – Huh? (he meant “she apologized”). Ah yes, the tricky past tense.

There are two however that really stand out from the rest. The honorees into the Verbally Confused Hall of Fame. Drum roll please...

“Your lap is just beautiful. I really love it” – I was mortified when I heard this and didn’t know what to say…I squeaked out a weak thank you. That night I realized she meant to say, “your laugh is just beautiful. I really love hearing it.” So awkward in the moment – so weird.

A student came up to me in class and said “I have an issue with continence.” To this I very quietly said that I was not the person to talk to and that they should see their doctor. They had a puzzled look…I then realized the error. They meant to say, “I have an issue with consonants”. Oh vey!

It should be noted that these go both ways. One of my ETA friends was regaling me with a story about one of her classes. Somehow the term “manual labor” came up and the students inquired what this meant. In an attempt to be clear, short and simple the ETA responded. “it's a hand job.” Well the students immediately burst into laughter and dove into the gutter. The ETA tried to fix the error by clarifying “it’s a job you do with your hands” which only made things worse. The joys and pitfalls are so numerous that every class is a real adventure. God bless the English for English! It’s such an amusing language. I am going to a wedding tomorrow so I will blog about it next week.

Have a good week readers.