Summertime and Saying No

Last weekend was crazy. On Friday and Saturday I judged an English speaking competition held by DOET (Department of Education and Training), the government organization responsible for education at the provincial level and Sunday and Monday I filmed 2 episodes for the local TV station. It was four days of go-go-go and by the time it was over I was one pooped American.

To start with the speaking competition was interesting for a number of reasons, but I was told to go with it. Let’s just say that every grade (6 – 8) had the obligatory picture of Uncle Ho, to which the same response was given and the same question was asked (What do you do to show your love for Ho?) and the same answer provided. Thrilling isn’t it? The most exciting thing was at the end as the scores were being tabulated people threw their children at me and I basically stood like one of those silver-painted statues with a smile slapped on my face as students and parents fought over who should and shouldn’t be in the pictures. My only thought was “Smile you’re an ambassador now. Be an ambassador, think ambassador. When this is over you can get coffee. Just smile. MAP (Make America Proud)”

The next two days I worked with the TV station that wanted to do some episodes for Tet about why a foreigner would want to come to Cao Lanh. I was weary since I am not an actor, but I was assured it would be lots of posing and smiling. And it was. I had a few lines but it was lots of us walking here, staring there, and pointing here. I know the Oscars are coming up soon, but I won’t be holding my breath. I did get to see more of the province. First we went to Sa Dec, which is the local flower-producing center for the south and Vietnam as a whole. With Tet being so close (it’s a week and half away) the flowers were abundant as flowers is the main decoration over the lunar New Year. Then we went back to Gao Giong and visited Tram Chin National Park. Both landscapes are similar. They are essential estuaries that serve as nesting grounds for cranes, storks, songbirds and kingfishers. Throughout the entire week Audra McDonald’s Summertime from Porgy and Bess was playing in my head. Pictures are below.

Flower Farm in Sa Dec

A house in Sa Dec built by a Chinese man for his 15 year-old French lover. The story is the basis for the French film L'Amant.

The woodwork inside the home was breath taking despite it's advanced age and exposure to the humidity.

Gao Giong Eco Tourist Site is accessable by boat.

The white dots are herons.

Unlike Gao Giong, Tram Chin National Park is flat and open.

What’s culturally relevant is that both of these things ended with huge meals, which I was dreading as it means I have to do the dodging alcohol dance. Men in Vietnam drink (and chain smoke). Drinking is how they bond, and by drinking I mean drinking until they are severely drunk. If you don’t drink it confuses them and can be seen as an insult (usually to ‘our eternal friendship’ which is amazing as this is usually the first time I have met these people). As an American and one who doesn’t like beer and HATES rice wine (which is moonshine) and can’t explain that I like grape wine (and that’s not the same as rice wine) I have to begin an elaborate dance. Having been here for 6 months I am an expert at it.  The key is to start off with polite excuses, move smoothly into obstinacy and finish with deceit. The 11 movements are as follows (10 if you don’t have make-up handy):

1. I Only Drink It Cold.

This is only a delay tactic at best, but blame your own culture and say as an American I can only do it cold. Wait for the block of ice to melt at which point it will be too diluted to drink so you have to start over. NOTE: They catch on to this quickly and start asking you to drink from their own glass – which is just nasty.

2. My God Forbids It.

Begin by anemically raising one hand, palm outward (biting a lip is optional). Mime praying with muttering to make it convincing. Shake your head. If you can try for a tear of horror. If you have language in common say: ‘I can’t. It’s against my religion.’ Your new found friend will push to know which God forbids it. You gasp and recoil in indignation. NOTE: Do not choose a religion anyone present is likely to share or know in passing knowledge. Baha’I, Shinto, and Zoroastrian are good bets.

3. I’m Sick.

No one will care if you are sick (as they erroneously believe that ‘drinking’ and smoking is good for your health – see how ‘drinking’ is defined above). But they might have second thoughts if you can produce a vial of pills and threaten counter-indications. Mime vomiting, painful death, blindness, and explosive you know what. It also helps to give the scientific name in quick English – “Why it’s doxycycline and acetaminophen”. Do not attempt this on everyone but mostly – sober women.

4. This Cough is Dreadful.

You want to please them. You do. Everlasting brotherhood and all that. Trouble is you have this dreadful cough and every time the glass comes near your mouth you start coughing and it sprays everywhere and you have to sit down to recover. See the above, this is only a delay tactic with a small shelf life.

5. My Inner Ear is Unbalanced.

They don’t care about God, they don’t believe medicine (especially since they are holding it) is bad, and they wait politely each time you cough yourself horse. Now you have to be devious. Continually open your jaw and wiggle your finger inside your ear. Claim dizziness. Each time you stand up, fall over and take someone down with you. Spill your glass each time they refill it.

6. I’m So Wasted.

Woman and Cross-dressers only. I have imagined that this would do the trick. I envision it going like this. You excuse yourself from the table and liberally apply blush including blotches on your neck. Return and apologize for having low tolerance for alcohol. To be convincing you should then proceed to fall asleep with one cheek in the snails.

7. OMG I Love This.

At this stage you start playing with fire, beyond it you’ve gone nuclear. Reveal your passion for dancing, karaoke, playing cards or debating, football or rice harvests. Get agitated about ANYTHING. Fling you hands around, shout excitedly, and gesture with your glass. Essentially distract them and act distracted. This has at tops a 20 minute lifespan. Also be wary you might have just opened Pandora’s box to karaoke dates and poker over embryonic duck eggs.

8. I’d Like to Say a Few Words.

Everyone hates the drunk who won’t shut up and stop giving toasts right?! I know I do. You must be that person. Refuse to drink until you have said a ‘few’ words. Grab hold of a sweaty co-boozer and slur on and on until they turn away or fall asleep or give up and drink alone.

 9. You Call That a Glass? Where I’m From That’s a Thimble!

To live beyond this night you must out drink them all. Get the lush as drunk as possible as fast as possible. After you’ve had two glasses he has had six, you can start switching your glasses and feigning your drinks. If nothing else, you will have the enormous satisfaction of watching him vomit squid and pickles onto the street.

10. I Just Drank it Faster Then You.

Always position yourself an arm’s length from the shrubbery. One potted plant can absorb four to ten glasses of rice wine, or one to three beers, depending upon size, before it starts to leak. Timing is essential to pull this off. You must dump it just as the others are going bottoms up and you must either leave or ensure their total inebriation by the time it starts trickling out of the pot.

11. My Fortune Teller Says Alcohol is Making Me Infertile.

This has more power as a women, but it can work for a man – especially unmarried people as it’s assumed that you want to find a Vietnamese girl to take home – wink, wink. This is the A-bomb. They will have no response to this – particularly if they have spent the last day or two lamenting your strange desire to be single and lack of interest in their daughters and friend's daughters regardless of the age gap (and they probably have). Sigh deeply. Sit down gingerly, with bowed head, and pour yourself a cup of tea. You have just killed the party but you may have just saved your liver.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER: As the night progresses everybody around you is getting drunker and you have most likely not been seated with the women who don’t drink and are having intelligent conversations (or you were and then forcibly moved). So they will forget these things so don’t be afraid to mix it up and go back and do an encore of a movement – or try a few together. It’s a booze soaked and cigarette perfumed party out there so bring all your weapons.